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June 27, 2009


Shit.

"Let me ask you something: when you're dating someone, how long do you wait before you can take a shit in her house?"

Henrique: "Six months."

Steve: "I've been with my girl for eight months and I still pretend I'm taking a long shower whenever I have to drop a deuce."

Freddie: "I keep a little can of air freshener behind her toilet. She doesn't even know it's there."

Manager: "You gotta drop that shit right away. Lay down the law. If she wants you to sleep over, you gotta go ahead and let her know what you do in the morning."

Cuban John: "I usually like to wait til her parents are present." That's supposed to be a joke but it's so true! The first time this matter arises is usually on a trip and usually when visiting her parents.


It's been the unending question of my dating life: when do I become human? Nikki had a studio, so that option was completely out because I mind as well just drop it in her kitchen sink. She had a Dunkin' Donuts downstairs and I made good use of it.

In my apartment I have a bathroom downstairs and I am unapologetic. There are music magazines on the floor and I have a reading light in there. If my prescription worsens I'll probably have to leave reading glasses in there too.

Leigh and I had a very open and honest relationship. If I had to go in there I would usually just make sure she didn't need the bathroom right away. It's natural. We all do it, right? So why are adults so squeemish about poop when half the people we graduated with are cleaning it out of their child's pants everyday?

It must be because we like to believe that dating is sexy (it's not). So I started asking girls.

"How long do you wait before you take a shit in your boyfriend's house?"

Kate: "I never do."
Ann: "Never. That's gross."
Stacy: "I 'run out for coffee.'"

That's been my method lately. Everyday I run up to 9th St. Espresso and drop $9+tip just to have a little room to myself.

That adds up to $310/month, which means I could move from my current firehazard to a one bedroom in the LES. That's ridiculous. Especially if you have the same schedule as Gore Vidal who said ,“First coffee. Then a bowel movement. Then the muse joins me.”

But then I got to thinking about all the girls I know who complain about dudes. "We had a nice dinner and we went out for drinks. He came back to my place and then he left right after. Not to be a girl, but, like, he didn't even cuddle."

Wait. Dinner? Drinking? Sex? The dude probably had to take a nice, satisfying dump like Nakata in Kafka on the Shore. If he's anything like every single guy I've ever known he probably took a nice shower after and squeezed one out. Any why not? Dude just had a got date and got laid.

It's worse for those of us in nightlife because we end up going home with someone from nightlife and they have the whole day off with us. One of the fun parts about dating is being left in someone else's apartment while they're at work and getting to pretend it's yours. This works especially well if the girl has a much nicer apartment than you. For me this basically just means she has furniture, sunlight and cable.

If you bring your laptop with you you can get your whole day of writing done in a non-distracting place. Wonderful! Then take a shower in someone else's shower (luxury condos somehow have better hot water than you do).

Luxury Buildings also tend to have gym on the ground floor and you can use the bathroom there in a (sorry) pinch.

4:07 PM | [permalink] | 2 comments

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